If you feel that you can brag about the limitless love your omnipotent being of choice has for you why do you say you fail him daily? What kind of message is this?!?!

I can never love god enough but he loves me anyway. Ok, that’s not too terrible. It’s in line with Christianity’s “believe and all will be absolved” message. But there always has to be a martyr…”I fail him daily”. That seems to imply that there’s a benchmark set somewhere and you will never reach it. But don’t worry, god loves your failing ass anyway.

I can see why people find “inspiration” in this. Note that this meme is by “Happy Heart Daily Inspiration” but the believer on the dock doesn’t look very happy. It looks to me like she’s sitting around thinking, “God, I really suck! You love me anyway, but I always seem to fail you.”

I don’t find a passive aggressive deity very comforting. If he’s not telling his followers that they’re not loving him enough then who is? Maybe his ministers? Well, they are only human…and that’s my problem with this religion. It’s something that very human men have pieced together for centuries.

I will never understand why women want to be Christians. Is there scripture that openly includes women? That celebrates women? I’ll be really impressed if you can show me Old Testament scripture that praises women (besides Song of Solomon).

I can take the message in that photo and worm out the teeny, tiny, miniscule seed of self-acceptance that’s buried in it. But how many people (especially women) are going to do that?

Do Christians look at that meme and think, “I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now. I might not be happy with myself at this moment, but I accept myself anyway. The fact that God loves me as I am now also helps me feel that I’m worthwhile.”?

Or do they look at it and think, “I can never love God enough, but he loves me anyway.”? 

I personally don’t find that very self-empowering. But there’s the problem; Christianity isn’t really about self-empowerment is it? It’s about following a book, following a deity (or 2), following a church, following a minister…following.

I never thought of myself as a leader, but I’ve always known I’m not much of a follower. I guess that’s why Christianity never struck a chord with me, even as a kid. I tried really hard many times because I find religion and belief systems fascinating. Well, I find a lot of them interesting, just not Christianity.

I’m a woman and women carry fertilized life and give birth. It only makes sense that if there is a supreme being who created everything she’d be a woman. I like praying to a woman. I find it very hard to believe that an omnipotent being is concerned with whether or not we show up at church every week, dance, drink alcohol, take drugs, have sex, get rich or stay poor. 

I do believe that an omnipotent being would care that we do our best to not harm the world around us. That includes our fellow beings. But I have a hard time believing in one being ruling over everything. I think the universe is far too complex for such a blatantly human notion.

I could be wrong. I do my best to be ethical. I’m always evaluating which values are mine and which are society’s…and if they’re society’s are they mine? Are my values harmful to anyone? I believe more in energy I suppose…like any healthy belief system (or Firefox) my beliefs are constantly updating.

I was going to end with the phrase, “God helps those who help themselves” but that’s actually of Greek origin, pre-Christian. I’ve seen more evidence of that than the grace that God bestows on his believers. But that’s me! In the end, spirituality is deeply personal. Believe what makes you happy!

I saw that quote last night, just when I needed it.

I had a relapse this weekend. I spent 2 nights in a row helping a friend who’s going through a lot right now. She’s had more than her share of douchebags, jerks and flakes lately. I was more than happy to be there for her but hearing about the jackasses that are out there made me feel pretty edgy about Ame.

Sunday I hooked up with the local guy. While we were talking Ame came up and Lee told me at first that he thinks Ame’s just going to dump me. I said, “I realize that’s a possibility but I think there’s something there.”

He was getting ready to leave when he said, “Now let’s talk about this.” When I told him Ame asked me questions about what we would do if living together he decided that maybe I should stick around Italy and see what happens.

When I got to my desk my friend had a new, bad development so even though I reminded myself that Ladies Man Lee said there’s a good chance I’m not just a screw to Ame all I saw after that was what some dickhead did to my friend.

The next day I was sad. I needed more time to think before chatting with Ame but my sleep hours are SO screwed up I had just enough time to shower before he came online. Then he had barely an hour to chat. But of course my feelings came out…it happened tonight too.

He had to go to bed but the time he took and how he replied to one of my last comments didn’t sit right with me. He INSISTED on me telling him, quickly because he was fading fast. And I did. We talked about it. Same as last night. I’m worrying too much about every little thing. He didn’t say that, he just answers my questions.

AME LOVES ME!!!!!!!!

He said tonight in response to my concerns, “I wanna fuck you, I don’t wanna marry you……but I have feelings for you and I love you.” When I brought up that male friends say he’s going to fuck and dump he replied:

“I don’t know if in future we’ll see again or not……we never meet until now!!!!”

“I know! that’s the risk!”

“the risk? what risk? we never meet……just thinking about meeting you make me happy.”

~”Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.“~

Whether they walk away or die they’re going to leave. That’s something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the past 2 years.

It’s not an easy fact to learn, but it is a fact.  

I suppose some people are in relationships that are stable and they die first. But chances are that before they died they lost friends and family. Pets.

Love is love. They say love’s eternal. That’s one I’m still working on. 

But I do know that everyone leaves. I’ve accepted that sadness, made that heartbreak a part of me. My mind and my heart are calmer now. I’m able  to be more objective during hard times. I learned to find love where I could (friends, art, music…love=happiness, right?) then romantic love found me.

I still get frightened. I still get that sickening stomach drop, but it’s not as dramatic. My brain can function. 

After this week’s mini-breakdown with Ame I’m feeling wary sometimes…but I remind myself that we have to meet first. Even JC agreed with that and he’s not an Ame fan. So I tell myself to chillax, enjoy my time with him, believe what he says because we’re still together after a year. That says a lot!!

But we’re both afraid. I’m free, I can see sweeping landscapes of the future. Too bad Ame can’t, but I understand why. He still sees the possibilities, only a little bit at a time.

That’s one of a million reasons why we need to meet. I’m pretty sure that us finally physically being together is going to open his vision of the future considerably.  

I didn’t say what that future could be! LOL! I know the realistic possibilities, but what I need to do right now is dream…

This is a card I’ve been getting a lot the past couple of months. “She is warm, kind, and inspires people to accomplish tasks that are seemingly magical. When you get this card in a reading, you are feeling self-assured and have a strong sense of purpose. You have charisma, are powerful, and filled with energy. You know how to channel this energy in the right ways.”

I did some looking at Italian visas as well as apartment prices in one of the larger towns around where I’m guessing he lives. No, I don’t know what town he lives in. He’s got a gf, I understand, but he’s known me for a year…I don’t like it but there’s a time for everything.

And I knew that which is why I didn’t go into details about what my plans are. But I did Tues night…and he freaked. He does NOT want me to move to Italy, but if we hit it off (which he said he’s sure we will) then he wants us to meet again.

I explained that I don’t have the money or desire to go to Italy for 5 days ($2000 in airfare) then come back to the US, then go back to Italy at another time. When we chatted later he said he’s never been to the US. While we were arguing earlier he mentioned that he’d feel terrible if anything happened to me because he doesn’t have the money to help me out. So I asked him if he had €1,000 for airfare to the US. He said money isn’t the issue, time off of work is.

Mmmmhmmm…come spring if we’re still together and planning on meeting I’m going to bring up that he said money isn’t an issue and ask for more help with the motel room.

Anyway, I told him time is as much of an issue as money. That’s the cruelty of my life…all of the time I have but no money. Like he’s going to be able to come to the US for a visit! He said once that sometimes IBM has week long classes here in the US. I’ve heard that before from other guys. The key word is SOMETIMES. I guess he’s thinking we’ll meet this summer, I’d go back home, we’d keep up the online shit then he could come here when pigs fly or I could just come over again for another 5 days. THEN he’d be ready to leave his gf.

What sucks is that I want to settle all of this now. He also likes to get things out in the open but this is a stressful time for him. After our fight he said maybe this is all because he’s nervous without cigarettes. I understand, but I kept telling him I wasn’t expecting us to be a couple if I lived in Italy, I wanted us to get to know each other more, but he wasn’t listening.

I hadn’t slept much so I took a nap and at 3am we chatted again. I was sad. I told him I’m tired of not being anyone’s most important person. I’m tired of doing everything on my own. I know that’s ultimately our lot in life but goddamn…I have support but when it comes to practical things I have to pay for my support.

And that was my point to him. Yes my family lives here in St. Louis. And I’m alone. That’s why I want to use my inheritance to live in Europe. I’d love to take a vacation there, a research trip but I don’t have the cash, besides, I’ve been to Europe. I don’t want to set up house here in the US.

So…how much do I want to live in Italy on my own? I’d much rather live in England but I can only get a tourist visa there. I might not get an extended visa for Italy. You need to show that you have health insurance which I do, but it’s Medicare which isn’t good in Europe. I’ll try it and see what happens but I have to wait to do that…and get an FBI background check. At least there’s an Italian vice consulate here in St. Louis. I thought I’d have to travel to Chicago.

On one of the expatriate sites (one I looked at in August when deciding about England) I noticed that the author wrote that US passports aren’t scrutinized as carefully as other nations. So border jumping is a possibility, “just know that if you come and go through the same area you’re more likely to get caught.”

So I could live in England, Mr. Moneybags could take a few days off and join me in England and I could join him in Italy while we get to know one another. I could fly into various airports in England so I could get my tourist stamp without difficulty. So what happens if I’m not allowed back into England during my travels? What happens if I don’t have the money to travel?

That’s why living in Italy, in a town near him is much safer, easier and cheaper.

But do I want to do this for someone who might freak out again in a few months? Am I doing this for him? Yes but as I pointed out to him I’m also doing this for me. I want to live overseas and Italy is cheap and might be easy to stay in for a long period of time. I’d like his help (giving me an idea of towns that would be convenient to him, asking about stores, etc.) but if he can’t give it I’ll figure things out on my own which is what I told him.

He said he can’t have a secret relationship in his daily life. I hate to break it to him but he already does.

It’s true that it’s easier to chat and masturbate with me for a couple of hours online, but he’s got Saturdays free. So we can chat during the week and he can haul his ass over to my place on Saturday.

I don’t know so as usual I have to wait and see. I’m curious to see what kind of romantic things he says to me now. Will he trot out “soulmates” as much as he used to? I’m being harsh. He’s had 2 previous online girlfriends. I asked him if he met them and he said yes, but he didn’t have a girlfriend. And he said they didn’t compare to me. He’s said that a couple of times in the past.

I’m special to him. Special enough that me living close to him is a threat to his daily life and it freaks him out because now is too soon. I have a feeling once we meet he’s not going to want me to go. I think he does too but he’s a man, it’s easy for him to push that off to the future and ignore it.

Wish I could.

I’m sick of guys trying to get free shit out of me. I’m sick of men trying to play me. I’m sick of guys not paying attention 3 or more times in a row. I’m sick of having to tell men IT’S OVER repeatedly because they’re too busy trying to figure out how to get free shit and/or a fuck out of me to read what I have posted.

Especially when it’s a motherfucker who has NEVER paid for even one month of access to my site!!!!!!!!

$20!! Come on!!

This particular asshole is a member of my yahoo group. Let’s just put the whole exchange on here:

A(ss): how was your new years do anything fun when is the next update to your
page

M(e): Happy 2012!!! My new year’s was ok, nothing interesting.
I’m not doing anymore updates here or on my site. Maybe at the end of summer
I’ll have something, I really don’t know. That depends on someone else so it’s
best to say for now I’m not doing anymore updates.
Beginning in April, my site will no longer accept Visa. It costs half of
what I used to make in a year with my site to allow members to pay with Visa. I
could barely afford to pay it the past 3 years.
You can read why I’m no longer doing updates on the blog on my site.

A:  Sorry to hear about your site:( Still glad all is well. I’d LOVE to meet you
one day. You have been a fantasy of mine for a very long time or for you to
email me some pics. Hope you get to go over seas!!

M:  Thank you! I never email photos, that’s why my site’s still online. Plenty of
photos and videos there!

A:  Hey I just read your blog. I may be able to help you out. I have 2 Cannon gl2
caneras and tripods. I am a videographer by trade. Sorry I didn’t read it
before. Its been a crazy holiday season. I could come for a few days and we
could get alot done. Then you could release it over time. Say we get 15 to 20
scenes and you release bi monthly. We could work something out for my time and
travel. Say. free membership for life and whatever else we can think of.  I
just can’t let my boss know I did it so I’d have to be an anonymous director.
Do you have a place to shoot?
(quoting from the blog he said he just read: “A year ago I lost the apartment I used for my shoots.”)

M: No problem, the holidays are a crazy time!
I don’t do my own billing so I don’t have the ability to grant access to my
site. I can’t even see my site live.
Also, no, I don’t have a place to shoot. That’s one of my biggest hurdles.
Thanks anyway!

Last week I also heard from the local lawyer who likes seeing me out and about struggling and asking for help. He was offering $300 of much needed cash but…I couldn’t do it!! I kept telling myself, “you need that money!! You can’t just sit on your ass and expect money to come to you.”

But I couldn’t do it. First, we would have had to meet for lunch. I was in need of food too but that’s the fucking middle of my night and the shoot would be in the middle of my night as well. And I told myself…Annie…how else are you going to get $300?!!? Don’t be a lazy ass!!!

But I couldn’t do it. He always pushes it when we’re out; get in and out of the car once more. Walk a little further, try these stairs…fuck that!
I wanted to talk to Ame about it, just to get another opinion, when my step-niece posted her new year’s resolution on facebook, which I almost immediately appropriated.

“What is my New Years Resolution?
To make mistakes, to do things I have never done before, to make new friends, and keep old ones…NOT TO FOCUS ON WHAT I WANT IN THE END, BUT TO HAVE FUN GETTING THERE.
This year is for me, to do what I want to do, on my own, and to learn about myself. Not to focus on what other people want or expect from me but to realize that what really matters is who I am, and who I want to be, and what I am willing to do to get there.”

This year is for me, to do what I want to do, on my own, and to learn about myself.

Before I replied he sent another email saying he just read my blog on my site and would be more than happy to get a hotel room and do a shoot for me with HIS cameras. 
Note how these guys have THEIR cameras? I’ve never received ANYTHING that Dan has shot of me in the past 4 years. All on HIS camera. I have my own cameras thankyouverymuch! And that’s what their asses would be using so I’d actually have the material they shot. 

Sigh. I’m SO FUCKING SICK of having to think like that!!! It’s added a whole new layer of trust issues onto the regular ones.

Dan also wrote that if I needed any money let him know.

So I wrote and told him thanks, but no thanks. That I “desperately needed money” but I’m not doing anymore videos at all. He wrote back that he hoped it wasn’t something he did. Yeah it was…but he’s just one of those asses who want to make sure they’re getting EVERY penny of worth out of each dollar spent. Nothing wrong with that but he pushes it and there’s no point in telling him that. I just said no, I’m tired of being just a fantasy. Not feeling it anymore.

And that’s the damn truth! You’ll note he didn’t say anything about helping me out with cash. LOL! Do I want money for doing nothing? Ultimately yes, who doesn’t?!? But I would have been SHOCKED if he gave me $$ just to be a nice guy (that has happened before, not with him!). I couldn’t resist seeing what his response would be, that’s why I mentioned that I was in need. He did exactly what I expected. Nothing! LOL!

I suppose I’m just as bad as he is, I pushed him to see what I could get out of him. But there’s a difference between me writing ONCE “I’m in desperate need of money” and him saying at every shoot, “could you get out of the car one more time? And get back in slowly, etc…” 

I need to learn how to say no. Well, I just did! But I could have had $300 AND learned how to say no…although he doesn’t pay up first. 

I did the right thing. And I did it on my own. 

In April of 2007 I was in my kitchen, freaking out on the phone because it was looking like I was going to lose my job. The guy I was talking to said, “you’ll be ok, you know how to take care of yourself right?” I remember making a noncommittal noise and asking myself “do I?!?!?” 
I kind of knew how to care of myself, better than a 16 year old but the way a 39 year old “should”? HELL NO!!

I can take care of myself now. Totally. Fiercely.

I did a relationship reading Friday night, everything’s fine. Just like every reading I’ve done FOR MONTHS!!!!!!

MONTHS!!!!!

Most of my maternal family members (the ones I see regularly) know about Ame. Mom doesn’t, well not from me, but that’s fine. There’s nothing to tell her.

One of my aunts is very concerned about me being in Italy. “How will you get around?!?” I’m just going for a get-to-know-you visit, still 7 months away, anything could happen between now and then.

I’m not used to getting what I want when it comes to love. I find this all so hard to believe…at the same time Ame’s in a bad position; he bought a house with his girlfriend this past April. I have plenty of reasons to worry.

That’s when I thought back on 8 months of tarot readings. All positive, except to say I’m doubting my intuition, I’m holding myself back, I can’t accept my happy situation. MONTHS of this!!!

Our outcome for this relationship reading was the Ace of Cups. We’re continuing to fall in love.

I’m eating a Russian Tea Cake cookie…one of my very favorite cookies and one my Grandma C. used to make every year for Xmas.

It reminds me what an amazing year this has been. Grandma died in January. I tried to see her before she died but it was between snowstorms and I had car problems. I had just enough time to buy more food and get home when the snow started again and immediately accumulated.

I love her more than anyone. I was grateful she had Alzheimer’s for 5 years, it made her death easier to bear. But I’m crying while writing this almost a year later.

I thought of Ame for strength as we pulled into the funeral home parking lot. I had no idea what to expect of myself and that’s a very disconcerting feeling. I thought myself foolish for thinking of him, a man I barely knew, at such a time.

According to the cards I wasn’t foolish. I’ve known all along, I’m just having a hell of a time accepting it.

On nights like this, when I think of everything that’s stacked against him and I, I sneer at my tarot readings.

But this is Christmas, a wondrous night right? I gave myself a gift. I realized how many dozens of positive readings I’ve had about him. Other gifts?

*A mild Xmas eve/Xmas day so I can see my family easily. This could be the last Xmas I spend with them for awhile and last year I was snowed in.

*My friend Dave being in town longer than usual. I was sick and would have missed him if this were his usual visit.

*Regular facebook contact with some of my oldest and best friends (Shirley that includes you!!). I’ve added a few “new” ones this year and having them back in my life again makes me very happy.

*Ame and I had a really good chat Friday. He was telling me a lot about his past and what’s going on with his family now…that meant a lot to me and I told him it was a great Xmas gift.

*Cookies!! Not homemade but I’m not picky…especially since they’re Pepperidge Farm! :-p

*Nice jewelry and a battery charger for my car from Mom.

*My old friend and non-requited first love Karen thanking me for giving her a “normal teenhood”.

*Kim and I exchanging regular messages.

*Having a close spot to park in during these busy days.

Bedtime!! Xmas isn’t over yet…

It’s also the name of the tarot deck I’ve been using this year. It’s brought me much wisdom and peace.

It’s a very non-traditional tarot deck; round and created in the early 80′s, it has a very womon-centric, feminist slant. I’m using the spelling “womon” in a tongue-in-cheek fashion. I was raised to be a feminist, I am a feminist. That word doesn’t amuse me or make me think of crunchy women…but any form of “woman” without the “man” does!!

A few months ago I had a hard time believing what the cards were telling me. I’m very careful to be objective and sometimes that makes interpretation difficult. I found a good site that offered meanings for the traditional, Rider-Waite deck and used those for added dimension.

That made things worse sometimes. There’s a reason I’ve been drawn to Motherpeace for the past 5 years. Most of the traditional insights were positive. I forgot what the traditional cards looked like and that often helped me when things weren’t making sense. But I’ve moved past that. Now I own all of the books Vicki Noble (author and artist of Motherpeace) has written about her deck. I have many different views of the meanings of her cards.

What’s extremely satisfying to me is that with each new book, my intuition and interpretation of the cards is affirmed. WOW!!!!!!

A new used book arrived today and I think it’s the best of the bunch. I immediately looked up 3 of the Major Arcana that show up the most in my readings:

I read the meaning for The Moon first and I became very emotional, very suddenly. “Intuitively you may be aware of a deep pull towards something better; you may hear a calling of the spirit. There is magic happening now, karmic soul work taking place.”

I’ve received this card so many times, not just in readings for myself but in readings about Ame and relationship readings where this card is the culmination or shows up in the reading for both of us.

Temperance is about gaining emotional and/or psychic balance in the face of power and potential disturbance (oh yeah!!) as well as “a Tantric fusion between 2 people-the alchemical merging of two souls.”

The Hanged One is about surrendering yourself, a karmic cleansing, giving up the ego and all of the desires I thought I wanted. A period of inactivity and not knowing.

It’s funny that earlier I brought up that I was raised a feminist because what I want more than anything is to be a partner to Ame. That goes against everything that I was taught and read from my earliest years on. Friends keep telling me how chauvinistic Italians can be…and yet….I find American men more chauvinistic. Chauvinism is defined as “convinced of the superiority of ones own gender or group”. The worst thing Ame’s ever said is that women are strange. I replied that men are strange, that’s why I like them.

He also prefers me not to shave. He finds my body hair extremely erotic, he loves my body exactly as it is. He’s not turned on by plastic, smooth thinness.

He did say early on in our relationship that Italian men think it’s “cute” when women take care of the house and cook. I laughed heartily at that and told several friends that I find it “cute” when someone cleans up and takes care of me. But his relationship with his Italian girlfriend shows that he’s actually much more helpful around the house than most American men. They both work a lot so he cooks and cleans and does laundry.

We both just assume that I will be the one doing all the housework if we ever live together. I’ll be home, that’s fine with me. I want to.

Fucking bizarre!!!!!!!

I’m still getting used to it. And sometimes, like when I’m grocery shopping, I tell myself “nothing is for sure”. Then, “enjoy shopping in the freezer section while you can.”

I’ve been hanging out on wordpress.com lately, under the same name as here only “compulsiveneedtoshare”. But I always like doing “About me” stuff and saw this on a blog here:

 Appearance:

I had to read it twice...

 …and then I took a shuddering breath and cried a little. Because I recently faced that blind deaf stone alone with only my hands and head.

My hands and head are capable. I feel strong.

Earlier today I was feeling unsure because so much of my happiness relies on not just someone else but money and laws…and I refuse to give those solid form at this point. Might sound crazy but right now is not the time for hard reality. Just like my weekly tarot reading read.

I also need to let love in. I worry that we’ll get bored because…I worry too much. I’m in love and the person I’m in love with is in love with me. I’ve always wanted this. This is why I’m happy. And happiness is only real when shared.

Him: american guys are really crazy to lose an hot girl like you

Me: they are! I want to live in a country where I’m appreciated

Him: and I don’t wanna lose you

Me: you won’t lose me, how could you lose me?

Him: this perverted italian is falled in love with you……….

Me: this twisted american has fallen in love with you too. I am sad today that we have to wait so long

Him: my love………..last cigarette and I’ll go to sleep

Me: i knew that!

Him: I know…..but at least we can talk now…..if I remember last summer I go crazy…….

Me: me too, but I learned how to calm myself down. I don’t ever want to go that long without talking to you again!!

Him:  me too!!!!!!! definitely!!!!!!

Me: you sounded so sad over the summer when it was raining. I kept telling myself that you weren’t sad about me

Him: this young guy is lost without you……….

Me: I didn’t want to hope for that much, that I affected you that much. Since you wrote that like that I have to write…. this old woman is lost without you too

Him: silly!!!!!

I mean, yeah, I know I have an adventurous side but I always thought of it as a side. Could it be it’s just me?

Frankly for me to consider myself truly adventurous I’d be out doing a lot more than hanging out on my computer, mooning over my Italian boyfriend, chatting with my English boy toy, thinking about how it’s going to suck that my site won’t be accepting Visa when I finally get some video of me and my boyfriend (fingers crossed) or learning Italian. Wondering if I should rent a car to get to the Italian embassy in Chicago or just take a plane and get it done in a few hours. Should I take a train or a plane to England from Italy this summer…

I guess “adventurous” is subjective.

To me adventurous is a war photographer (something I wanted to do as a teenager. No “real” wars in the mid-80′s!), archaeological digs in the middle east (again…something I wanted to do in college VERY badly)…

…going to England to stay with just a tourist visa. But that wasn’t the smart thing to do.

Doing the right thing this year could very well lead to more adventure in 2012.

And adventure is subjective…